I feel like when I think about the early days of COVID, my most resounding emotion is fear of so much that was unknown, fear for my loved ones, fear of what was next, everything was changing so quickly and also living in such a state of constant overwhelm. But at the same time, that was really balanced with new ways of doing things and seeing the world and experiencing the world.
When they closed down the golf courses by my house, my husband and I could take these beautiful long walks that we had never been able to do. We were both working from home, which had never happened before. And even in those moments of finding joy and comfort. I remember just sitting with guilt that I was feeling anything positive amidst so much pain and suffering around me.
My grandparents who live out of state, immediately isolated, did all the right things. And it took us about a month before we were able to figure out how to get them On zoom effectively, and when I could see them and I could hear their voices and know they were okay, it was just this wave of relief that I felt and then it was really hard when the pandemic was so politicized and my grandpa’s sister.
Great aunt was a COVID denier. And. About a year into the pandemic, passed away from COVID. And that, that grief brought about so many mixed emotions of feeling like she had brought this on herself. She hadn’t taken precautions. She hadn’t taken it seriously. And now we lost this amazing person in our lives.
And that just, compounds all of these really deep, heavy thoughts. I didn’t experience my own COVID until summer 23, which is so wild that I was able to avoid it for 3 years. And even now, when I’m vaccinated, I don’t have an immune system. Any kind of immune compromise. I knew that I would likely be okay.
Those early moments of fear came rushing back. What if I am that story that they put in the New York Times about the new strain and how it’s killing people? What if I accidentally became a super spreader because I didn’t know I had it for a few days. So again, to me, COVID is just so wrapped up in fear in so many different ways.
